Fall Back and Spring Forward

I feel empty. My pants are nothing but rags, every sock I have has holes in it. Everything I own is scattered around different places. It took a lot of energy to get through this Winter. When you look outside and the wind is howling and snow a falling, it takes a lot of strength to pack your guitar and head out singing in the streets. You just wanna curl up in the warm. It was a heavy and rewarding experience, but it has just left me empty. I feel I need to find the strength to jump into Spring.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was the most loneliest I have ever experienced. I spent the whole day on my own, I spent my last few coins on a few beers and sat in a cold Vondel Park, and watched the thin blue sky make the still bare trees almost silhouetted. I was feeling very low and alone, and just thought of Liverpool, and how there is always a gig on, your mates are always in town, drinking or gigging. I missed home badly, but I got ready to do the evening shift at Max Eiweplein, and tried to pick myself up a bit. I played for just over an hour, and made ten euroes. At least I had enough to go and buy a nice glass of beer at The Ness.

My body was cold to the bones. I got to the Ness and felt this blanket of warmth hit me. I was on quite good spirits after the busk, really feeling these new songs I have been learning. I asked the Barmaid for a glass of Leffe, and she said she wouldnt serve me, because of how I was walking when I came in. I took a deep breath, and said I am very dissapointed by this. I told her about my day, and the fact that standing out in the cold for 5 hours makes your bones stiff. That after a year of being a street musician, I spend my birthday completely on my own, and now I am being asked to dance for a fuckin beer. I had tears welling up in my eyes, and my voice was becoming more angry. She apologised and said this one is on me. I sat outside and drank the beer. Suddenly it hit me, and in floods of tears I just thought about my life, what I'm doing, still living out of a carrier bag, begging for money on the streets, wearing the same pair of pants everyday for a year. Then right on time, when I needed someone more than anything, my girl walked through the doors.

 I tell myself that it's good to taste lifes tears. That this is what I set out for. I try and tell myself to find some strength and pick myself up. Which I will! But I just gotta accept it when sometimes life, and things floor you. I am heading to Italy for 8 days in mid April, and then I think a little week long recharge in Liverpool is needed. I still have lots to document about the Winter. I lost and found myself over the last few months with a crazy experience in the black ghettos of Amsterdam. I settled a score with 'The Terd' but for now, my 31st year on this earth is just for this chapter.


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