What a ride

It's been 5 years  and fifteen days on this adventure so far and I have gone through so many ups and downs, highs and lows, to's and fro's that it is time for a pause and a re-think.  “What am I doing with my life?” is a question I am asking myself a lot lately.  Perhaps its age and those young dreams that are fading further as the years pass.  I was 35 over a month ago and feel like I have entered the next stage of my life.  I feel I am not a young kid anymore with all that energy and determination I used to have.  I think back to how I was sure I would change the world and leave my mark.  I wanted to tour the world playing music, make a beautiful studio in the Swiss mountains, but most importantly; never have to worry about money.

Well, I travel the world and play to thousands of people a week.  Albeit on the Megabus and U bahns and not the tour bus and stadiums I dreamed.  I don’t really worry about money in a way.  I drink the best beers and whiskeys in Berlin, eat out almost every day, smoke the best tobacco, and don’t want for much ‘cept a little rest now and then.  Berlin is starting to take it out of me though, I feel it.   I need to have control over the lifestyle here.  In the past 2 months, there have been 2 days where I haven’t drunk a beer.  It’s so easy to drink here, there are 3 fridges full of beers from all over Deutschland to suit your mood and time of day, it really creeps into your habits.

I am smoking way more that I used to at any point.  Must be about 20-30 a day.  I tried to count in my journal every time I would smoke a ciggie/joint and drink a beer, but it didn’t look good so it was better to stop...logging it.  I feel great most of the time, don’t get me wrong.  But you just can’t help it when a bad day creeps up on you.  There is no guard against it, it is coming for you.  I accept it as part of the ride and just know there are better days around the corner; Days when you feel on top of the world and a great singer and musician.  But there are always dark days lurking; days when you question your life, when you look in the mirror and hate what you see, days when you feel you are a shit singer and a lousy musician.

I look back at the last 5 years and it has always been that way.  In many aspects you go from high to low and back again.  I remember when I was stuck on the motorway hitching from Amsterdam to Berlin and as darkness descended I would scream in despair, then a few minutes later be filled with bright and sure positivity and strength to get through.    The last 2 months without Niz here has been just the same.  Some days I am lonely and downhearted and some days I am so happy to be starting again and doing what I do. 

I just wish I didn’t HAVE to make money in this life.  I wish I could just do what I love to do without the burden of wandering how I’m going to eat that night.  I would love my own studio where I could just record music day and night with many different people.  I would love to play music and do it purely for myself. Not for an audience who wants to me play sing-along songs.  I wish I could do things just for the love of doing them and not for money at the end.  Sometimes I go busking but I don’t put my hat out.  I just play for the love.  But people still come and give me money.  Which feels good, but it feels better to not be asking for it.