Better You Give - Better We Live II

With every part of me, I hoped, felt and thought that March would be a great month.  I felt it was gonna rain down spring blossoms, and tulips everywhere, and that I could finally say the Winter was over.  Instead, it snowed, rained, the wind blew harder than before, and I would have to wait a bit longer to welcome in the spring.....

So after the Reggae album, I was a bit detached from recording, I just wanted to busk.  As did Dominik, who had given up his job, spent his last bit of money on a portable PA system and loop station.  We became a team, and we were getting a good set together.  We never rehearsed once, we just went straight to playing.  We had a golden ticket with the busking permit and the equipment to put on a real show.  We didn't want to waste a second, and all through that miserable March month, we gave Amsterdam a shine with our music.

It was a Friday, and I looked out the window in the morning and there was some nice blue skies, it was still bitter cold, but I had a good feeling about it.  We met at Central Station, smoked a joint and drunk a coffee and was about to set up when a dark grey cloud carrying some snow unleashed itself on us.  Dominik is a very determined lad, and was still eager to set up and play.  I worried about the equipment and said maybe we should play just at the entrance to the station.  It was unheard of in Amsterdam, you cant just set up a PA inside the station and play, but we did, and the police came on us in a second and once they seen our permit wished us good luck.

We had just set up, and then we heard a voice coming from the station, 'You can't play music here' it was Virgillio!  The brilliant percussion and drummer from Italy who had been involved in the reggae album.  He had just come back from a trip to London and was with his guitarist friend.  They played the set with Dominik and made a nice chunk of money, I felt a little left out just watching but left them to it.

Although it ended badly with the reggae album, I had good feelings towards all the people involved except one.  Raffa, he was poison and a con man who pretended to have cancer and couldn't walk.  But people had saw him walking.  The rasta was a legend, but turned on me because of Raffa.  Virgillio was just an amazing musician and guy, lot of respect for him, and his guitarist friend.  Even Gabriel Cage who funded the whole operation was a good guy at heart, with all his mad characters.  Dominik was a good friend though.  I liked his mentality to just steam roll ahead and do it.  After their set, me and Dom went for a smoke, then went back to Central at the same place and played a set.  We did great and made even more than what they made just before.



It was snowing all day, and biting cold, but we still stuck at it.  We had 3 days a week we could play on the permit, and so we were not gonna waste a session.  We started to overwork the spot though, playing there 3 or 4 times a day, then the spot starts to reject you.  There is this woman, who sells a magazine like the big issue, and she constantly says this 'Dog daaa, dog do daaa' or something like that.  But her words could not be heard over our playing. We seen her say to the police and point at us, so then came 2 officers who were hunting for blood.  They looked at Dominiks permit and said that Central station is seperate to the city, and the permit has no ground here.  They then came to me, and said that because I have no permit, they will be arresting me.  I had no ID or nothing, as they routed through my wallet they found my BBC ID, some business cards, letters, photographs, but were still intent on arresting me.  I tried to be as charming as I could and said how much I love the city and stuff.  After a while they backed down, and said they would let me go, but we cant play together anymore, and especially not at central station.

I was starting to question busking with the PA and stuff.  I felt it was taking me away from acoustic busking, and the road I had set out on.  It seemed like Amsterdam didn't like loud music, and it was creating a bad energy.  Plus the bike we would carry the gear on was massive, it would hold up all traffic, run into people, and was so heavy to ride.  After playing just acoustic on quiet street corners, and feeling that the city really did love that, to blasting out a PA with a trumpet and disrupting the city I was doubting wether it was the right thing for me.  It attracts the police in a second, it stops the homeless from selling their mags, it just felt like it was the wrong energy for Amsterdam.



We were making quite good money though, but we were spending it as fast as we could make it.  Enjoying the Amsterdam ride.  I had kind of moved in with Maud and said I would pay her some rent, as I really thought March would be the start of making good money from busking and the tourists would double.  I was still busking with Dominik, but told him about my doubts.  I was feeling we were not respecting the city and it was starting to reject us.  I thought of how me playing at Waterlooplein even in the winter would sometimes look after me with like 30 euroes an hour, I always felt I had to respect the city, not be a burden or a noisy disturbance.  Amsterdam is such a quiet city, and they like it that way.


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Better you give, better we live.....

Now I am back in Liverpool, I want to try and document all the stuff that I haven't yet about this past year,  before it becomes a memory with more reverb each passing day, lets call it a conclusion, or a ramble, or a brief history, or something less..............

I started to miss Amsterdam a little bit today.  My leg muscles have altered themselves to get used to all the walking I am doing now.  My shoes last much longer over there because I ride everywhere.  In the Winter I purchased the best pair of boots, a pair of Dutch leather Van Bommels.  They were a well made pair of boots.  Strong sturdy, great shape.  They had a good, almost military stomp as you walked.  They lasted me well, but a few weeks ago they perished.  Holes in the soles.  I would have carried on wearing them, but they were taking out a pair of  my bright socks each day.  I have a nice comfy pair of trainers now, but I often think of those Van Bommels.  I got them after I had made a good busk at Waterlooplein, my other pair were in bits, they had no zip, holes, were hanging off my feet.  I walked through the market, and my eyes spotted them immediately.  I tried them on, and they fitted like a dream.  I asked the guy how much, and he said 10 euroes.  I said 7.50 but it felt wrong trying to haggle as they were such a good pair of boots.  I said, my good sir, you have a deal.   R.I.P Van Bommels.........

I think one of the best memories of Amsterdam, was the garden house.  After the festival season, I was very empty and tired.  Maud had gone to the States for 2 months.  I wanted to hold out for her, cos I felt we had something special, while she was away, I was living in a garden house.  It is in the East of Amsterdam in this garden area.  Because everyone lives on top of eachother in Amsterdam, there are no gardens in the houses, lots of lovely balconies, but not gardens.  So for those with the green fingers they can buy a patch of garden in the East. Cato has a great one.  In each plot of land people build little houses and sheds and there are some beautiful ones.  Catos was a vintage one from the 30s.  It has a little wood oven, a gas oven, places to sleep.  It is a really amazing place.
I would cook my coffee the way I learned from Danni, the Moka way on the wood fire oven.  It would take 30 minutes to heat it up, and slowly fuse the coffee with slow steam.  I would mix in some milk, and some chcoclate sometimes.  It really was the best coffee ever.  I would drink them until 9pm just playing guitar, singing so loud cos not a sole was around for a mile.  I would wonder why I couldnt sleep, but I just couldnt resist those coffees!  There was no distractions there.  No electricity, just a guitar and a very good acoustic sound.  No light, just candles, I really would play for hours and hours, then go busking, then go back.  It was the first time I really felt I had my own place in Amsterdam. I watched the season turn into Autumn there, the leaves falling one by one, the squirrels burying nuts, a beautiful change to yellow and gold and red.

It was the perfect remedy after a heavy festival season.  I have not even mentioned I dont think, Fusion festival.  That is mostly because it is still like a dream to me.  It was June, I jumped the train to Groningen the other side of Holland and met with Danni.  We had done a couple of festivals together over the last few weeks, the squatted villages of Ruigoord and ADM.  Making good coffee and food, sleeping in the camper van.  Taking in the sunshine.  We took an 8 hour ride in a massive van to Germany.  The camper was a big one, and had a kitchen, it was carrying all the stuff and even the motorbike we cook the coffee on.  It was a great ride, with the open skies and fields infront of us.  Cruising along at a slow 70km all the way.  Feet up under the window.  We got to Fusion and it was a strange atmosphere at first.  But once we were setting up some lovely German lads came and helped, drunk a beer with us and I got a great vibe.

The festival started to build, and it was special.  There was not one security guard around, just people.  It was a massive festival, but such a calm atmosphere.  I loved working the coffee bar, I would take pride and make it with love, people were quite fascinated by me.  I met some really amazing people there, and got a great feeling towards to German people and language and all.  I would wonder around in a crazy trip all evening watching guys fight with lightening, amazing bands, a hammock, a pale crescent moon on a clear summers night, just good people.  Once sunrise came, I would snap out of it, and go and get the coffee bar running.  The coffeebar is a motorbike with a wood oven on the front, and is this amazing creation.  I would wheel it to a good spot and watch the sunrise making and selling coffees, having great conversations.  Wow, such a warm smile just thinking about it.

As the days passed the party became even grander.  Saturday night was the peak.  After experiencing such amazing things, a guy on a piano, on wheels cycling all different directions, singing mad lyrics.  Fire shows in the middle of nowhere.  All through it, the lyrics to a hard rains gonna fall was going through my head, and all the imagery that it conjoured, I felt I was living.  On the Saturday, Danni said to secure my tent, as a storm is coming and a hard rain is gonna come tonight.  After the final show, 2 am a hard rain fell.  A thunder and lightening show.  It was God's show.  And it was beautiful.  I lay partly sheltered under a cannopy laughing and smiling and watching the skies change so intensely beautifully, I watched a guy just stand in this flood of rains getting drenched just holding his beer in the same pose for hours. I still cant fully explain what happened there.  But as the lightening and storms screamed and sparked, the grand finale, I felt to myself that I could die right this minute and be happy as I have lived truly something special through this festival.



Festival season has just started again in Amsterdam and last week I played a gig at Ruigoord.  It was an International troubadours contest.  I really enjoyed it, I played 3 songs and got some great responses.  They gave me second place for it, which I was quite flattered by.  The skies were perfectly blue outside, the fire was burning, beautiful girls in summer dresses, the start of festival season.  It was when I saw some of the old faces, and the regulars, I asked myself if I truly wanted another season on the festivals in Amsterdam.  I loved them, but they are heavy times aswell.  Good parties, but I think I want to be somewhere else this summer, my heart is set on Switzerland and Berlin.  But back to Amsterdam......

I am still to write about what happened at the end and after the reggae album, but it is late now, and I think I will save that for a fresh as it's a biggy.  End of part 1


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Bombs Away

Well, where to start.......At this moment I am back in my family home in Liverpool and realising why it is such a special and unique city.  My first night back, I made 50 quid in an hour busking, went to the best gigs in town and filled my heart up on the music that is the fabric of this great city.  It has been a crazy couple of months, and I wasnt sure if I was going to take the bus ride home, I was torn.  But I did, and I am glad.

I fell madly in love with a girl in Amsterdam.  She always asked me never to mention her on my diary blog, so for the sake of this chapter, lets call her Maud.  She is a special one.  A beautiful girl and a strong woman.  A fiery passionate heart, beatiful Auburn hair, and pale skin.  She was like a girl from those paintings from the 15th century.  Great taste in music, and is great at what she does in the art world.  Unfortunately, our lives started to pull away from eachother.  She goes all around the world with her job and life, and I am a street musician bum.  I wake up most days with no money in my pocket and have to go out and earn some food.  It is such an unpredictable life style that it was causing problems with us.  She wanted a bit of security that I couldn't give her.  A month ago we split up.

I am not going into all the reasons or things that caused it, but it left me hurt, empty, lost, alone and unsure even more about what to do with myself.  I hit the busking hard with Dominik.  He is a good friend, and the best busking buddy and business partner you could meet.  Plays the trumpet with every ounce of breath in him.  He has a busking permit and a portable PA and loop station.  We meet at his in the morning, eat some Polish goulash, drink a coffee then head out for a breakfast joint.  We play a 40 minute set, then wait an hour and a half to play again (The permit has set times we can play)  So we just spend the whole day, drinking Leffe blonds, and smoking lots of joints.  Last saturday we made 250 euroes (though we spent a hundred of it on food, smoke and beer)  But it was just what I needed though.

I kept thinking about what I wanted to do.  There was this pain in my heart and belly that just wouldn't go.  I missed Maud, I missed her so much.  It was like being so warm and cosy and happy, then someone rips the duvet off you in a flash, and you are cold, alone and miss the warmth. I was starting to feel detached from the songs I was singing, couldn't feel the lyrics anymore.  The key to busking, is really feeling the songs you are singing.  When I was playing, I had stopped feeling them.  It lasted 3 weeks, and then things started to feel better.  I knew it was getting better, because the 1st set me and Dominik did, I sung just like I used to.  Completely felt the songs again, and we made 70 euroes in half an hour.  I had booked a ticket, and was now starting to doubt wether I was going to take it.......

It was Queens Day, and we took the stuff out busking.  Our 3rd set was the winner.  We played right next to the Waterfront, and watched the party ships roll in, a big sea of Orange, and a big crowd had sat down to watch us play.  They were Woooing and loving it so much, and as we played 'Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay', the sun hit hard, the ships rolled in, and so did the money.  It was an amazing day, and I was so glad I stayed for it.  I was staying at this girls house, who I had been doing some recording with, and we had a good laugh together, the busking was good with Dominik, and the days that followed we made good money again.  (It goes so easilly though)  On the morning of my bus ride, I was staying, by 3pm I had decided it is best to go.  I raced back to Barts to get my stuff packed, he gave me a great pair of trainers as I had holes in the souls of all my others.  I smoked one big final joint and then headed to the East close to where the Magneet was and the bus was leaving from.  The perfect blue skies, were turning red, with a golden sun setting on the city I love so dearly.  I was still unsure fully wether to go.  But as soon as I got on the bus and the wheels started moving, I felt great.  I was excited to get back to Liverpool.  We took the ferry and I watched the sunrise come up over the English Channel.


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When you light your cigarette from a candle, a sailor dies at sea.

When you light your cigarette from a candle, a sailor dies at sea.

That is a Polish superstition.  I was sitting in De Graal yesterday and overheard it.  First I got to tell you about De Graal.  Out of all the Coffee Shop culture in Amsterdam, De Graal is by far the most like I imagined a coffee shop would be in my dreams.  It is like going into a friends house.  Comfy chairs all around, fish tanks, a dancing chameleon who eats grass hoppers, a recording studio and the best coffee and cheapest weed in town!  It really is that good, but not only for those reasons.  It is because it is an environment that nurtures creativity.  Chess and Draught boards everywhere, people writing and drawing.  I have filled almost 2 pads worth with drawings and scribblings.Within the next few days I will be uploading some and putting an artwork section on the website.  I have scribbled some interesting scribblings which make some nice imagery for The Dead Sea Captain.

Sometimes I feel incredibly low and challenged by the uncertainty of my lifestyle.  Everyday your world changes, it is a different day every single day.  You have no financial security whatsoever.  It rains on a blue sky the moment you set out to go busking.  It is completely uncertain.  You can have to find somewhere to sleep at 8pm, and end up shivering in a garden shed.  But it is addictive.  You feel like you are in a different mentality that completely lets go of all your old beliefs, pride, ignorance, politics, everything.  You suddenly just start apprreciating each action that would usually be uniform.  You listen to peoples music, rather than showing your own tastes.  You just open yourself up to this world much wider.

Amsterdam is alive.  Whenever I am at a low the city seems to just pick me up.  By running into someone you know, to making a good earn from busking, to meeting beautiful strangers, a phonecall from a friend, a free drink from a beautiful barmaid, total strangers giving you 50 euroes.  It is an exciting ride Amsterdam, and watching it bloom in the spring is a beautiful harvest for a street musician who spent the Winter in its cold snowy emptiness.  But I still found the challenging beauty shine bright in its deeper layers of people and experiences.  I love this city with all my heart, and respected it.  Tried my best in wonder to understand it.  But just enjoyed and rode the very special experience of this magical city through the 4 seasons.

At this moment I am torn.  It has been a great ride.  But sometimes you have to step off the ride for a bit.  My heart is calling me back to Liverpool.  I want to spend around a month in Liverpool charging my batteries, saving some money, busking with an amp, being around my beautiful friends and going to live music every night.  Going to Sound City. Fill myself up on some comforts of home, without feeling a rush to get back to this mentality.  It is tiring when your plans and day and thoughts change every single day, and you feel you can't do enough to sustain a normal living life.  Though it may be in a romantic musical wrapping, but busking is begging.  And that puts you lower than the task to have your own place and feel a security.  Everything is temporary and unpredictable.

Queens day here is a massive celebration I have heard so much about.  It is a huge celebration over the city, and Beatrix is passing the throne to the new King!  I feel that would be a perfect way to finish the ride at this moment.  I suppose Liverpool will be a good thinking time.  I can plan what I want to do next.  Maybe come back to Amsterdam, Maybe Switzerland, Maybe Berlin or Ireland.  I just don't know at this point.  I just feel tired and a bit down from some experiences here.  I hope my experiences and admiration here is documented as true as I could share in my utter love for this magical and beautiful city.  I fell in love on every level.  I have become a stronger person on so many levels.  I will always be drawn here like a magnet.  But for now, it is time to take an 18 hour bus ride home...........


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Spring Fall Backwards and Forwards

After a year into this journey now, I am starting to realise more and more about myself.  It dawned on me the other day, that these songs I sing.  I don't just wanna sing them, I want to live and feel them.  Simply playing the songs is not enough, I have to feel like I am living them.  I have to attach my own experiences into these songs.  I wondered why that 'Like A Rolling Stone' gets so many drops, and I realised it's because when I sing that chorus, I really mean it!

It was mid-January, I was busking at Max Euwplein and I was shivering as I was playing.  It was snow and ice all around and I had made like ten euroes after nearly an hour.  This Asian guy stopped and just listened for ages, he was taking lots of pictures and I just remember this moment, that on the last verse of 'Like A Rolling Stone' I was really singing it with scorn "Look at all the princess, all the pretty people, all dancing drinking on the steeple, thinking they have got it made" There was just this moment of connection between the song, the environment, and the people walking by.

I played 'Girl From The North Country' and then I was just too cold to go on, the Asian guy said, can I buy you something to eat?  I said sure!  I was starving.  He kept asking about the songs, and saying how I was really giving something special into them.  We went to this Japanese restaurant and I ordered some hot soup, Chicken and some beer, he ordered the same, but didn't eat or drink any of it, so I ate his soup and drank his beer.  He seemed fascinated by me, was taking lots of pictures, even as I ate.  I bid farewell to him, and headed home with about 15 euroes and a full belly.

Busking is full of experiences like this, you never know what is gonna happen.  Sometimes you can head out expecting to make nothing, sometimes you can expect lots and make nothing.  Sometimes you meet people who become part of your life, and sometimes you just make people stop and listen for ages, sometimes noone gives a shit if your singing your heart out at all and just passes by.  I have never felt kicks from anything like I have from busking.  It is an exciting way to live your life.  It is hard, and when you make nothing, it makes it harder.  But the only certain thing about busking, is the uncertainty.

I used to get so much satisfaction from recording and producing music, locking myself in my home made studio, oblivious to the weather outside, or the the world.  I was addicted to it!  I became quite good at it to.  But you know what?   After I left England for the first time in 2011, and spent 4 months busking around France and then working the Magneet festival and falling in love with Amsterdam..  I came back a different person.  I HATED recording music once I returned.  It just didn't satisfy me at all in the same way, I found it a chore, that I kind of told myself I should be enjoying, but the sad fact was, I didn't anymore.

After that reggae album experience, it was the final nail in the coffin.  I had wasted my time to come and sit through all these great musicians, but all with very different egos and ideas.  I just thought fuck this.  Anyway, by the end of it.  I had this Mac Book air, which is the lightest and most powerful laptop ever.  It felt strange having this thing, as it was a very covetous item.  Some people were a bit jelous that I just got this computer.  I felt wow, I really have the most powerful tools on this earth to record music.  But the sad thing was, I didn't want to use them!  I hated it, I felt myself getting sucked in to being one of those people that just spend all their time sucked into their phone or laptop.  I felt it took me away from the world I set out to discover.  So, I gave it away.  To someone who really would use it good, and appreciate it.  It was the lightest laptop in the world, but the heaviest burden I have ever had to carry and deal with.  I just thought, would you have seen Woody Guthrie carrying a grands worth of computer as he set out on his travels.  Nah, it just didn't fit the life that I had chose.  And it boils down to which hat do I want to wear.  A humble street musician with just a guitar on his back, or one of these macbook casualtys whose eyes have melted cos it's the only world they see.

Once I got rid of it, I felt this massive burden lift from me!  I felt free and honest again.  Just after the reggae album shambles, I was busking at Waterlooplein, when I seen Dominik, He had just been given a busking permit, to play electric with his PA and Loop station.  I was so happy for him! All through that experience, I had felt Dominik was an ally, on my side.  And when the cancer man was poisoning everyone against me, he stood up for me.  I said I would join him for a set at Rembrandt in an hour or so.  After a Turkish Pizza I set out to meet him, and we played a set together in a light drizzle at Rembrandtplein.  He is a virtuoso trumpet player and even though it was the first time we had ever played together, we clicked great!  We played for 40 minutes and made 80 Euroes!  Some guy gace us 50 euroes, as he just loved it!  It was a good sign.  We were armed with a permit, a PA and the arriving Spring of Amsterdam.  What happned over the next few weeks, again gave me a valuable lesson and understanding about myself, and about how Amsterdam is even more alive than I first felt........

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Spring Forward and Fall Back - II

Things have been otherwise good though for the last couple of weeks.  It was just yesterday hit me from nowhere, and I had no guard against it.  This last week especially I have refound myself acoustically.  After busking with a PA system and virtuoso trumpet player at all the top spots with a permit.  Riding this huge Bakfiets around and spending good days smoking and drinkin, busking inside central station in the snow and sleet.  But it is a LONG story, so I suppose I better start from the start......

It all started when I met Dominik, I was playing one morning at Waterlooplein and it was goin slow, but I was stickin through.  He rolled up pushing a scooter and says he has a busking band, I should come meet up with them the next day.  He was eager for me to, so I went along to the coffeeshop Siberia the next day, and I met with a homeless polish guy who played bass, a German who played slide guitar, and Dominik on Trumpet.  They were waiting on their Cajon player.  It was drizzling rain, so instead of them playing, we smoked a joint and I made lots of sense to them about the process of recording, and busking the certain circuit.  I said I would record them, just give me a call when you are ready.

It was while I was at Rons that he called about ten days later, and said he will pass me on to his manager.  I spoke to this 'Gabriel' and he said how much would I charge for coming down and recording, I said Ahh hundred euroes.  He tells me he is starting a new record label called 'One Root Records' and would I be the producer.  I said sure, I will come down and record.  I had just finished recording my album at Jaspers, so the next day I picked up my 16 track and got a ride to Ganzenhoef in The Bijlmer.  It is on the outskirts of Amsterdam and it is 99% black.  We get there, and there is a strange vibe, this Garbriel who is in bed when we arrive comes upstairs ten minutes later holding his video phone and talking all this smarmy shit about this film he is making about Gabriel Cage and how he got some hotties to come down for an audition the next day.  There was also an Italian drummer called Virgilio, an absolutely brilliant natural musician and traveller.  And then the Reggae singer 'One Root Freeman' came later.  We set about recording, and I did a really great job of capturing and building an idea into a song.  There was a great vibe, and they loved how I was producing the music, Gabriel would go and constantly buy lots of weed, alcohol, beers on these credit cards, and at the end of the day he tells me that he cant get no more money out of the bank, but he can buy stuff.  So if he buys me a mac computer, will I record the album.  I say, sure, still unsure exactly what to make of the situation.


All 5 of us take the metro to Amsterdam and it's still all a bit weird on the way, Gabriel is speaking to random girls trying to get them to audition for his 'movie'.  We get to this second hand shop and they have 2 macs in one Macbook air for 750e or a big one for 1700.  He says he will take the Macbook Air, and then he also buys a pair of sunglasses for 80 euroes.  I think he must be a credit card fraudster.  I was watching his face as he was trying to buy the mac, and his first card refused, and then I watched his face as the second one was tried.......His relief when it went through showed.  He handed me this macbook air.  After a day of drinking so much black label vodka and whisky and beer and weed, and recording a  great reggae track, I headed home with a smile, laughing at the craziness of life.

The next day, I said I would go back there and we would record another session.  I thought I could ride it, but ended up getting lost and riding for hours, nearly 40 km I rode.  I finally bunked the Metro and got there.We recorded Virgilio playing his percussion set with Didgeredoo, but since One Root wasnt there, we didn't get nothing finished.  Isaid I would come back later with my girl to the party.  Gabriel is saying only girls get in free, and men pay 30e to get in, this is after he has auditioned the girls.  It hit me, that he is just like Johnson from Peep Show.


I returned later, and he tells me the girls have just gone, infact they never turned up. Noone turned up except us. We went in and drunk some nice whisky and smoked some nice joints.  It was a good night, we had some good discussions, and then me and Virgilio jammed, and I really connected with the songs.and felt good about the whole project.  I thought yeah, good musicians to make music with.  I said give me a couple of days to set the mac up as a studio and on Tuesday I will come down and get started.  I was in such good spirits about it all, telling everyone about this great experience and great musicians.

I got there on Tuesday and it was just Dominik there, he had just spent 1500 euroes on a portable PA system and a Roland loop station.  I was set up to record, but Dominik just wanted to play with his loops.  Virgilio was out busking, and One Root was just out doin his business.  When Virgilio returned at 11 he had his 2 friends from Italy with him.  One was an amazing guitar player, and the other just a bright eyed  young lad.  It had all just changed atmosphere, I was asking Virgilio if he wants to lay some drums down, and he kept putting it off, and saying his friend will do the computer ableton.  The next day we managed to get some things layed down, but it was hard work.  Everyone was just pulling in differerent directions.  Domink doing his trumpet loops, Virgilio doing Meditaranean grooves and One Root just wanting to do Reggae.  I was just left recording bits an pieces, then their live jams.  There was a seediness about the place.  I didn't know who was sleeping with who, or what the fuck was going on.  I just kept my guard up and slept with one eye open.

The next few days were still very weird and seedy, I just didn't know what was going there, but I felt bound there as I had just been bought a macbook!  But I just wanted to get away from there.  By Friday, I was fed up of being in the middle of 4 musicians who all wanted to do different things, there was nothing worthy coming through in the recordings, and my friend Jasper phoned me and told me about this 'Foreign Legion' Meal gathering at his.  It sounded perfect so I left the flat and went to Jaspers.

It was a great party that I will never forget, watching a sticky sunrise melt through the windows.  I said I would go and do some more recording on Sunday, but I was still so tired and effected from the party, after a strange twist of emotions I just couldnt get there, and ended up not showing up.  I went the next day, and now the atmosphere and attitude had gotten even worser towards me.  There was this guy 'Raffa' who was dying of Cancer (but I think he is just a conman myself) Said he did the drums for Seal and all other types of mainstream artists because his dad was 'a very powerful man'.  He didn't like me from the start, and he was posion to the others.  I just couldnt win this battle.  I was getting the blame for their not being no results to show.  They called me round and said they wanted to take the computer back.  I took that as an insult for what I had had to sit through this last week.  I started to lose my temper when the Rasta was screaming at me that I had to do his vocal in a certain way. I was screaming back that I aint gonna be fucked over, when I have wasted my time coming and sitting through all these different people coming in and all wanting to do different things, fuck that, I aint no miracle worker.   I can't make magic appear out of the egos of four musicians.  I felt it was right I should keep the laptop, as my time is what they hired me for.  I said I would spend a week with them recording, and I did.  But if all they make is disagreements, what can I do?  I felt like they were conning me, but I stood up for myself and screamed even angrier at them. 

Ok, there will be a 3rd part of this, but for now let's just leave it there.

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Fall Back and Spring Forward

I feel empty. My pants are nothing but rags, every sock I have has holes in it. Everything I own is scattered around different places. It took a lot of energy to get through this Winter. When you look outside and the wind is howling and snow a falling, it takes a lot of strength to pack your guitar and head out singing in the streets. You just wanna curl up in the warm. It was a heavy and rewarding experience, but it has just left me empty. I feel I need to find the strength to jump into Spring.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was the most loneliest I have ever experienced. I spent the whole day on my own, I spent my last few coins on a few beers and sat in a cold Vondel Park, and watched the thin blue sky make the still bare trees almost silhouetted. I was feeling very low and alone, and just thought of Liverpool, and how there is always a gig on, your mates are always in town, drinking or gigging. I missed home badly, but I got ready to do the evening shift at Max Eiweplein, and tried to pick myself up a bit. I played for just over an hour, and made ten euroes. At least I had enough to go and buy a nice glass of beer at The Ness.

My body was cold to the bones. I got to the Ness and felt this blanket of warmth hit me. I was on quite good spirits after the busk, really feeling these new songs I have been learning. I asked the Barmaid for a glass of Leffe, and she said she wouldnt serve me, because of how I was walking when I came in. I took a deep breath, and said I am very dissapointed by this. I told her about my day, and the fact that standing out in the cold for 5 hours makes your bones stiff. That after a year of being a street musician, I spend my birthday completely on my own, and now I am being asked to dance for a fuckin beer. I had tears welling up in my eyes, and my voice was becoming more angry. She apologised and said this one is on me. I sat outside and drank the beer. Suddenly it hit me, and in floods of tears I just thought about my life, what I'm doing, still living out of a carrier bag, begging for money on the streets, wearing the same pair of pants everyday for a year. Then right on time, when I needed someone more than anything, my girl walked through the doors.

 I tell myself that it's good to taste lifes tears. That this is what I set out for. I try and tell myself to find some strength and pick myself up. Which I will! But I just gotta accept it when sometimes life, and things floor you. I am heading to Italy for 8 days in mid April, and then I think a little week long recharge in Liverpool is needed. I still have lots to document about the Winter. I lost and found myself over the last few months with a crazy experience in the black ghettos of Amsterdam. I settled a score with 'The Terd' but for now, my 31st year on this earth is just for this chapter.


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